The Four Horsemen: 4 Relationship Warning Signs and What to Do Instead

The Four Horsemen are four communication patterns identified by relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When they become a regular part of conflict, they strongly predict that a relationship will break down. The good news is that each one has a practical antidote. Couples who learn to catch these patterns early can argue without damaging their connection.

1. Criticism

What it sounds like: “You never help around the house. You’re so selfish.”

A complaint is about a specific behaviour. Criticism turns it into an attack on who your partner is, often with words like “always” and “never.” Your partner hears that something is wrong with them, so they defend themselves, and the real issue gets lost.

The antidote: gentle start-up. Talk about your feelings and a specific need, without blame:

“I’m feeling overwhelmed with the dishes and laundry tonight. Could you take care of the kitchen?”

A simple formula: I feel [emotion] about [situation], and I need [positive request].

2. Contempt

What it looks like: sarcasm, mocking, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering or speaking from a position of superiority. “Oh, you’re tired? You sat at a desk all day. Try doing what I do.”

Gottman’s research found contempt to be the single greatest predictor of divorce. It grows from long-held negative thoughts about your partner and communicates disgust. It is deeply wounding, and over time it is linked to poorer physical health in the person on the receiving end.

The antidote: build a culture of appreciation. Regularly notice and say what you value: “Thank you for picking up the kids today. It made my afternoon so much easier.” Gottman’s studies of stable couples found about five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Appreciation needs to be a daily habit, not saved for good days.

3. Defensiveness

What it sounds like: “It’s not my fault we’re late. You never told me the time.” Or counter-attacking: “Well, what about you?”

Defensiveness is a natural response to feeling attacked, but it effectively tells your partner that the problem is theirs, not yours. The conflict escalates and nothing gets resolved.

The antidote: take responsibility. Accept even part of the problem: “You’re right, I didn’t check the time. I’m sorry. Let’s leave five minutes earlier next time.” Taking ownership of a small part often softens the entire conversation.

4. Stonewalling

What it looks like: going silent, looking away, turning to your phone, leaving the room or giving one-word answers.

Stonewalling usually happens when a person is physiologically flooded: heart racing, mind blank, body in fight-or-flight. It is often a response to contempt, and while flooded no one can listen or problem-solve well.

The antidote: physiological self-soothing. Agree on a signal for a break. Spend at least 20 minutes doing something calming, such as walking, slow breathing or listening to music, and avoid rehearsing the argument in your head. Then return to the conversation as agreed. Taking a break is healthy. Disappearing without coming back is not.

Why repair matters more than perfection

Happy couples argue too. What sets them apart is repair: small attempts to de-escalate, such as humour, a touch, “Can we start over?” or “I see your point.” When repair attempts land, conflict stays safe. When they are ignored or mocked, the Horsemen take over.

Try this for a week: after any tense moment, one of you offers a repair attempt and the other accepts it, even imperfectly.

Cultural and family pressures

For many couples in Edmonton, conflict is also shaped by extended family, in-laws, immigration stress, finances and different expectations about gender roles. A Horseman may show up most strongly when those outside pressures build up. We cover this in more depth in our article on the love-hate relationship cycle. Our guide to South Asian family therapy looks at the family side.

When to consider couples counselling

Consider support if:

• The same arguments repeat without resolution
• Contempt or stonewalling has become common
• One or both of you feel lonely in the relationship
• Trust has been broken, for example through an affair
• You are considering separation and want clarity

Couples counselling at Disha draws on Gottman-informed methods to help partners understand their patterns, practise the antidotes and rebuild friendship and trust. Couples planning to marry can also use pre-marriage counselling to build these skills early. If an affair is involved, see infidelity and affair recovery counselling.

Frequently asked questions

What are the Four Horsemen in a relationship?

They are four negative communication patterns identified by Dr. John Gottman: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. When they are frequent, they predict relationship breakdown.

Which of the Four Horsemen is the worst?

Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce, because it communicates disgust and superiority.

Can a relationship recover from contempt?

Yes, if both partners are willing to change. Building a habit of appreciation, learning gentle start-ups and working with a couples therapist can reverse the pattern.

Is stonewalling a form of abuse?

Stonewalling is usually a flooding response rather than abuse. However, using prolonged silence deliberately to punish or control a partner can be part of an emotionally abusive pattern. If you feel afraid or controlled, safety comes first.

Can we do couples counselling online?

Yes. Disha offers couples counselling by secure video anywhere in Alberta, as well as in person in South Edmonton.

Learn more from the Gottman Institute’s overview of the Four Horsemen.

Reviewed by Mukesh Mishra, MSW, RCSW, Registered Clinical Social Worker and ACSW-approved RCSW supervisor at Disha Counselling & Wellness Centre. Last updated September 30, 2026. This article is general information and is not a substitute for individual professional advice.